-Frequently Asked Questions-
1. You’re supposed to be a fiction
writer. Why can’t I find any stories on
this website?
Because, aside from being a writer
I’m also a greedy bastard and don’t want to risk losing any form of rights
sales because the story has already appeared gratis here on the Tech-tastic Intro-Net.
Besides, any story I didn’t want to sell for publication, you wouldn’t
want to read. And then there’s always
the fear that I’ll put up one story which will somehow be viewed by a reader as
wholly representative of my style and capabilities, when in reality it’s just
“that one story I wrote because I think clowns are scary.”
When I write a story that I can
guarantee is as addictive as crack cocaine to all people worldwide, it’ll be on
here. And it will be free. It’s the next story that you’ll have to pay
for. Then you’ll be up to novels,
sometimes a novel a day. And then, a
couple of months later you’ll be down on your knees, trying to trade burgers
and fellatio for another tale, a short story, an anecdote, even a haiku, just a
little one. Neither of us wants that.
2.
Where do your ideas come from?
My brain, I’m pretty sure. Last time I checked my stomach all I could
find was food. And those really big
marbles I ate when I was five.
I’m just a media-sponge, like
everybody else who wasn’t raised feral in the wilderness. Input/output. Am I channeling a higher power and turning
those messages into text? Well, if you
define “higher power” as “the signals that radiate from the
black/broken/melted-synapse parts of my frontal lobe” then the answer is Yes. Yes indeed.
3.
Twelve?
Okay, that’s not a
question. You can’t just put a question
mark at the end of something and call it a question.
4.
Coconut?
Again, not a question,
but let me field this one… I’m pretty sure the answer is actually
“Twelve.” That’s eerie.
5.
I read your story about the brothers in that angel anthology, and loved
it. I picked up some of your other
stories and found them to be too intense and nasty… why can’t you write more
nice stories?
Mom? Seriously, that angel story was a fluke. I was going through an Ayn
Rand binge at the time, and after discovering that she found horror to be the
lowest form of fiction, I tried to write something noble. Who knew it would sell? I may revisit those sunny meadows some day,
but with another four years of Bush and the Cheener
looming overhead, don’t get anxious. I
like dark fiction, both literary and genre.
That’s what I enjoy writing. To
anyone who’s been offended or nauseated by a story of mine, e-mail me your
address and I’ll come give you a hug.
(Ed. Note- I am lying and will probably not hug you. Unless you are Asia Argento.)
6.
If you were stranded on a desert island, what would be the five books/movies/CD’s you’d want to have with you?
Okay, I have to go under the
assumption that this desert island is equipped with electricity and an entertainment
system, so I will. Oh, and let’s also
assume that I already have a desert island survival guide so I don’t have to
include that as one of my books. Here
goes:
Books-
1. American Tabloid/The Cold Six Thousand by James Ellroy
2. Infinite Jest by David Foster
Wallace
3. Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand
4. Choke by Chuck Palahniuk
5. Marabou Stork Nightmares by
Movies-
1. Jaws
2. LA Confidential
3. Requiem for a Dream
4. The Godfather I & II
5. Some mind-blowing 20 hour porno
that’s perfect and that I’ve never seen
(Hey, desert islands get
lonely)
CD’s- 1. De-loused In The Comatorium/The Mars Volta
2. Angel Dust/Faith No More
3. Dummy/Portishead
4. The Downward Spiral/NIN
5. Endtroducing/DJ
Shadow
This list is in now way
comprehensive and subject to change on a whim or as I’m exposed to new
brilliance.
7. Can
you edit this for me/help me get this published?
I wish I could, but I’m
currently scrapping it out just like you are.
Once I’m free of cubicle-life and my writing is my sole occupation I
will be able to spend more time helping other writers. It’s my karmic debt to help; some incredible
authors and artists have been very kind and encouraging to me. The best thing I can do right now is
encourage you to persevere and write every day.
Even Sunday.
They don’t stone you for that anymore.
And if there’s a writer’s workshop in your area, especially if you do
short fiction, get in there. And if
you’re going to write about vampires in
8. For a literary website there sure are a lot
of pictures of your sorry posing mug on here.
Doesn’t that seem stupid? I mean,
if you went to a Norman Mailer website would you want to see a bunch of pictures
of Norm in various outfits and locales with stupid little Maxim-esque captions under them (i.e. The Mailer contemplates his
Executioner’s Schlong.) ? The whole thing seems insipid, and I suspect
that despite your self-deprecation you really are a Narcissistic ass hoping
that your meager clout and artistic posing will somehow get you laid.
You would be totally on point if
it wasn’t for one thing… I’m an asexual eunuch trained in classical
castrato-type vocal performances and have no desire for groupies. I love only the song and the written word. But if it makes you happy I’ll replace the
photos of me with book covers and banners for other author websites and
pictures of kittens “hanging in there.”
(Ed. Note- I am lying. I’m really
just a Narcissistic ass. Plus, these pics are free as can be.
Well, mostly free.)
On the
left: An ass. On the right: A girl paid $5 to stand next to an ass. She later demanded more money to remove the
“general feeling standing next to that guy gave me.”
9.
Are there any tricks you’ve learned as a writer?
What, like
the Hemingway “standing up and writing naked with peanut butter smeared on your
chest” thing? No, not really. I have a good luck buckeye that Alan Clark
gave me and I keep it on my desk. I tend
to write at night, when I’m very tired.
I’ve been told this can create a hypnogogic
state that allows the writing to “flow” more freely. And I get my best ideas in the shower… on the
nights I know I’m going to write I go in the shower before hand and think only
about the themes of the story and how I want to tell it, and then I just zone
out for a while and the answers or story elements I need start floating to the
surface of my brain. That’s really a
pretty common technique. And it helps me
smell better.
One trick not to try- Writing
blindfolded and drunk, in Spanish, using your own spit and some metal shavings
on a piece of tanned ostrich-leather. I
think that’s another Hemingway one.
10. What’s one of the dumbest things you’ve ever
done?
Well, you’re asking a question
of epic potential here. I’ll stay in the
upper spectrum of my ignorance and just give some photographic evidence. Observe:
What
this photo fails to convey is the awe-inspiring fact that my shoes are two feet
off the ground and I am fully suspended.
Also not shown is the fact that I am about to be assaulted with a can of
refried pinto beans.
11. What’s it like working with Alan M. Clark?
I’ll go with a non-snarky response on this one. It’s a pleasure and an honor. He’s a fantastic guy and a real double threat
as a writer and painter. His wife is great. His dogs are great. And he’s nowhere near as weird as you’d
expect from his art. Alan’s about as
cool as they come. He does keep a lot of
mummified corpses around, but hey, every artist needs an affectation or three.
For example, I say the word “papoose”
a lot, for no discernible reason.
12. You keep mentioning the word “Bizarro.” What the
hell are you talking about?
Well, I’d try to pin down a
definition of the term for you but that might be against the point. Bizarro is this
strange sort of literary catchphrase/movement/mutant that showed up on my
doorstep one day asking for hummus and crunchy metatarsals. It’s the feeling you get when you read or see
or hear something that makes you feel the right kind of wrong- you know, that
feeling where you can’t decide whether to masturbate, cry, do both, or start
making explosives in your basement. I
know that the word is somehow associated with weird guys like me, Carlton Mellick III, Kevin Donihe, Chris
Genoa, John Lawson, D. Harlan Wilson and a host of other lit lunatics. The best way to find out what Bizarro is to click on the Forum link above and look
around. Or chug some Robo
and stick your hand in a toaster. Maybe.
13. Shepples.
I don’t get it. I mean, that’s even less of a question than “Twelve?”
was. If you can’t take this seriously,
I’m out of here.
14. No, don’t go.
I really have a question this time…
You better.
15. I do.
I do. It’s an important one.
Okay, shoot.
16. Shepples.
You
bastard. That’s
it. I’m FAQ’d
out. Goodnight, frequent askers.
