-Frequently Asked
Questions-
1. You’re supposed
to be a fiction writer. Why can’t I find
any stories on this website?
Because, aside
from being a writer I’m also a greedy bastard and don’t want to risk losing any
form of rights sales because the story has already appeared gratis here on the
Tech-tastic Intro-Net. Besides, any story I didn’t want to sell for
publication, you wouldn’t want to read.
And then there’s always the fear that I’ll put up one story which will
somehow be viewed by a reader as wholly representative of my style and
capabilities, when in reality it’s just “that one story I wrote because I think
clowns are scary.”
When I write a
story that I can guarantee is as addictive as crack cocaine to all people
worldwide, it’ll be on here. And it will
be free. It’s the next story that you’ll
have to pay for. Then you’ll be up to
novels, sometimes a novel a day. And
then, a couple of months later you’ll be down on your knees, trying to trade
burgers and fellatio for another tale, a short story, an anecdote, even a
haiku, just a little one. Neither of us
wants that.
2. Where do your ideas come from?
My brain, I’m
pretty sure. Last time I checked my
stomach all I could find was food. And
those really big marbles I ate when I was five.
I’m just a
media-sponge, like everybody else who wasn’t raised feral in the
wilderness. Input/output. Am I channeling a higher power and turning
those messages into text? Well, if you
define “higher power” as “the signals that radiate from the
black/broken/melted-synapse parts of my frontal lobe” then the answer is Yes. Yes indeed.
3. Twelve?
Okay, that’s not
a question. You can’t just put a
question mark at the end of something and call it a question.
4. Coconut?
Again, not a question, but let me field this one… I’m pretty sure the
answer is actually “Twelve.” That’s
eerie.
5. I read your story about the brothers in that
angel anthology, and loved it. I picked
up some of your other stories and found them to be too intense and nasty… why
can’t you write more nice stories?
Mom? Seriously,
that angel story was a fluke. I was
going through an Ayn Rand binge at the time, and
after discovering that she found horror to be the lowest form of fiction, I
tried to write something noble. Who knew
it would sell? I may revisit those sunny
meadows someday… I like dark fiction, both literary and genre. That’s what I enjoy writing. To anyone who’s been offended or nauseated by
a story of mine, e-mail me your address and I’ll come give you a hug. (Ed. Note- I am lying and will probably not
hug you. Unless you
are Asia Argento.)
6. If you were stranded on a desert island, what
would be the five books/movies/CD’s you’d want to have with
you?
Okay, I have to go
under the assumption that this desert island is equipped with electricity and
an entertainment system, so I will. Oh,
and let’s also assume that I already have a desert island survival guide so I
don’t have to include that as one of my books.
Here goes:
Books- 1. American Tabloid/The Cold Six Thousand by James Ellroy
2. Infinite Jest by David Foster
Wallace
3.
Alan Moore’s run on Swamp Thing
4. Choke by Chuck Palahniuk
5. Marabou Stork Nightmares by
Movies- 1. Jaws
2. LA Confidential
3. Requiem for a Dream
4. The Godfather I & II
5. Some mind-blowing 20 hour porno
that’s perfect and that I’ve never seen
(Hey, desert islands get
lonely)
CD’s- 1. De-loused In The Comatorium/The
Mars Volta
2. Angel Dust/Faith No More
3. Dummy/Portishead
4. The Downward Spiral/NIN
5. Endtroducing/DJ
Shadow
This list is in
no way comprehensive and subject to change on a whim or as I’m exposed to new
brilliance.
7. Can you edit this for me/help me get this published?
I wish I could,
but I’m currently scrapping it out just like you are. Once I’m free of cubicle-life and my writing
is my sole occupation I will be able to spend more time helping other
writers. It’s my karmic debt to help;
some incredible authors and artists have been very kind and encouraging to
me. The best thing I can do right now is
encourage you to persevere and write every day.
Even Sunday.
They don’t stone you for that anymore.
And if there’s a writer’s workshop in your area, especially if you do
short fiction, get in there. And if
you’re going to write about vampires in
8. Are there any tricks you’ve learned as a
writer?
What, like the Hemingway “standing up and writing naked
with peanut butter smeared on your chest” thing? No, not really. I have a good luck buckeye that Alan Clark
gave me and I keep it on my desk. I tend
to write at night, when I’m very tired.
I’ve been told this can create a hypnogogic
state that allows the writing to “flow” more freely. And I get my best ideas in the shower… on the
nights I know I’m going to write I go in the shower before hand and think only
about the themes of the story and how I want to tell it, and then I just zone
out for a while and the answers or story elements I need start floating to the
surface of my brain. That’s really a
pretty common technique. And it helps me
smell better.
One trick not to
try- Writing blindfolded and drunk, in Spanish, using your own spit and some
metal shavings on a piece of tanned ostrich-leather. I think that’s another Hemingway one.
9. What’s it like working with Alan M. Clark?
I’ll go with a
non-snarky response on this one. It’s a
pleasure and an honor. He’s a fantastic
guy and a real double threat as a writer and painter. His wife is great. His dogs are great. And he’s nowhere near as weird as you’d
expect from his art. Alan’s about as
cool as they come. He does keep a lot of
mummified corpses around, but hey, every artist needs an affectation or three.
For example, I
say the word “papoose” a lot, for no discernible reason.
10. You keep mentioning the word “Bizarro.” What the
hell are you talking about?
Well, I’d try to
pin down a definition of the term for you but that might be against the
point. Bizarro
is this strange sort of literary catchphrase/movement/mutant that showed up on
my doorstep one day asking for hummus and crunchy metatarsals. It’s the feeling you get when you read or see
or hear something that makes you feel the right kind of wrong- you know, that
feeling where you can’t decide whether to masturbate, cry, do both, or start
making explosives in your basement. I
know that the word is somehow associated with weird guys like me, Carlton Mellick III, Kevin Donihe, Chris
Genoa, John Lawson, D. Harlan Wilson and a host of other lit lunatics. The best way to find out what Bizarro is to click on the Forum link above and look
around. Or chug some Robo
and stick your hand in a toaster. Maybe.
11. Shepples.
I don’t get
it. I mean, that’s even less of a
question than “Twelve?” was. If you
can’t take this seriously, I’m out of here.
12. No, don’t go.
I really have a question this time…
You better.
13. I do.
I do. It’s an important one.
Okay, shoot.
14. Shepples.
You bastard. That’s
it. I’m FAQ’d
out. Goodnight, frequent askers.
