-Frequently Asked
Questions-
1. You’re supposed
to be a fiction writer. Why can’t I find
any stories on this website?
Because, aside
from being a writer I’m also a greedy bastard and don’t want to risk losing any
form of rights sales because the story has already appeared gratis here on the
Tech-tastic Intro-Net. Besides, any
story I didn’t want to sell for publication, you wouldn’t want to read. And then there’s always the fear that I’ll
put up one story which will somehow be viewed by a reader as wholly
representative of my style and capabilities, when in reality it’s just “that
one story I wrote because I think clowns are scary.”
When I write a
story that I can guarantee is as addictive as crack cocaine to all people
worldwide, it’ll be on here. And it will
be free. It’s the next story that you’ll
have to pay for. Then you’ll be up to
novels, sometimes a novel a day. And
then, a couple of months later you’ll be down on your knees, trying to trade
burgers and fellatio for another tale, a short story, an anecdote, even a
haiku, just a little one. Neither of us
wants that.
2. Where do your ideas come from?
My brain, I’m
pretty sure. Last time I checked my
stomach all I could find was food. And
those really big marbles I ate when I was five.
I’m just a
media-sponge, like everybody else who wasn’t raised feral in the
wilderness. Input/output. Am I channeling a higher power and turning
those messages into text? Well, if you
define “higher power” as “the signals that radiate from the
black/broken/melted-synapse parts of my frontal lobe” then the answer is
Yes. Yes indeed.
3. Twelve?
Okay, that’s not
a question. You can’t just put a
question mark at the end of something and call it a question.
4. Coconut?
Again, not a
question, but let me field this one… I’m pretty sure the answer is actually
“Twelve.” That’s eerie.
5. I read your story about the brothers in that
angel anthology, and loved it. I picked
up some of your other stories and found them to be too intense and nasty… why
can’t you write more nice stories?
Mom? Seriously, that angel story was a fluke. I was going through an Ayn Rand binge at the
time, and after discovering that she found horror to be the lowest form of
fiction, I tried to write something noble.
Who knew it would sell? I may
revisit those sunny meadows someday… I like dark fiction, both literary and
genre. That’s what I enjoy writing. To anyone who’s been offended or nauseated by
a story of mine, e-mail me your address and I’ll come give you a hug. (Ed. Note- I am lying and will probably not
hug you. Unless you are Asia Argento.)
6. If you were stranded on a desert island, what
would be the five books/movies/CD’s you’d want to have with you?
Okay, I have to
go under the assumption that this desert island is equipped with electricity
and an entertainment system, so I will.
Oh, and let’s also assume that I already have a desert island survival
guide so I don’t have to include that as one of my books. Here goes:
Books- 1.
American Tabloid/The Cold Six Thousand by James Ellroy
2. Infinite Jest by David Foster
Wallace
3. Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand
4. Choke by Chuck Palahniuk
5. Marabou Stork Nightmares by
Movies- 1. Jaws
2. LA Confidential
3. Requiem for a Dream
4. The Godfather I & II
5. Some mind-blowing 20 hour porno that’s
perfect and that I’ve never seen
(Hey, desert islands get
lonely)
CD’s- 1. De-loused In The Comatorium/The Mars
Volta
2. Angel Dust/Faith No More
3. Dummy/Portishead
4. The Downward Spiral/NIN
5. Endtroducing/DJ Shadow
This list is in
now way comprehensive and subject to change on a whim or as I’m exposed to new
brilliance.
7. Can you edit this for me/help me get this published?
I wish I could,
but I’m currently scrapping it out just like you are. Once I’m free of cubicle-life and my writing
is my sole occupation I will be able to spend more time helping other writers. It’s my karmic debt to help; some incredible
authors and artists have been very kind and encouraging to me. The best thing I can do right now is
encourage you to persevere and write every day.
Even Sunday. They don’t stone you
for that anymore. And if there’s a
writer’s workshop in your area, especially if you do short fiction, get in
there. And if you’re going to write
about vampires in
8. Are
there any tricks you’ve learned as a writer?
What, like the
Hemingway “standing up and writing naked with peanut butter smeared on your
chest” thing? No, not really. I have a good luck buckeye that Alan Clark
gave me and I keep it on my desk. I tend
to write at night, when I’m very tired.
I’ve been told this can create a hypnogogic state that allows the
writing to “flow” more freely. And I get
my best ideas in the shower… on the nights I know I’m going to write I go in
the shower before hand and think only about the themes of the story and how I
want to tell it, and then I just zone out for a while and the answers or story
elements I need start floating to the surface of my brain. That’s really a pretty common technique. And it helps me smell better.
One trick not to
try- Writing blindfolded and drunk, in Spanish, using your own spit and some
metal shavings on a piece of tanned ostrich-leather. I think that’s another Hemingway one.
9. What’s it like working with Alan M. Clark?
I’ll go with a
non-snarky response on this one. It’s a
pleasure and an honor. He’s a fantastic
guy and a real double threat as a writer and painter. His wife is great. His dogs are great. And he’s nowhere near as weird as you’d
expect from his art. Alan’s about as
cool as they come. He does keep a lot of
mummified corpses around, but hey, every artist needs an affectation or three.
For example, I
say the word “papoose” a lot, for no discernible reason.
10. You keep mentioning the word “Bizarro.” What the hell are you talking about?
Well, I’d try to
pin down a definition of the term for you but that might be against the
point. Bizarro is this strange sort of
literary catchphrase/movement/mutant that showed up on my doorstep one day
asking for hummus and crunchy metatarsals.
It’s the feeling you get when you read or see or hear something that
makes you feel the right kind of wrong- you know, that feeling where you can’t
decide whether to masturbate, cry, do both, or start making explosives in your
basement. I know that the word is
somehow associated with weird guys like me, Carlton Mellick III, Kevin Donihe,
Chris Genoa, John Lawson, D. Harlan Wilson and a host of other lit
lunatics. The best way to find out what
Bizarro is to click on the Forum link above and look around. Or chug some Robo and stick your hand in a toaster. Maybe.
11. Shepples.
I don’t get
it. I mean, that’s even less of a
question than “Twelve?” was. If you
can’t take this seriously, I’m out of here.
12. No, don’t go.
I really have a question this time…
You better.
13. I do.
I do. It’s an important one.
Okay, shoot.
14. Shepples.
You bastard. That’s it.
I’m FAQ’d out. Goodnight,
frequent askers.
